You probably don't have a clue what that title means... well...
About three years ago, I had totally screwed up in my studies, I was flunking most of my classes, I was deeply depressed, couldn't sleep.

I'm doing fine in my classes, even though I hardly attend two of them. Big, impersonal lecture classes tend to be like that...
But it is three in the morning and here I am, writing a journal because I can't sleep.

My best friend isn't talking to me, beyond various demands that I stop trying to talk to her. And I think she means this permanently, or at least thinks she does. I think she has decided, pretty much out of the blue, that we're not friends anymore, with no explanation beyond "You're an idiot".
Maybe she'll relent, maybe not. I think maybe I should leave her alone, give her distance, but... if I just walk away that easily, I think she'll interpret that as "Oh, wow, he really didn't care about me, I guess we weren't really friends in the first place." But if I keep talking to her, she'll interpret it as, "He doesn't respect my wishes, he's more interested in annoying me than me, I guess we weren't really friends in the first place."
Everyone is like this, sometimes, where they've basically decided what they're going to think and feel, and no matter what happens they will find a way for it to reinforce those decisions. But it just seems to come up more with her... well, maybe because I talk to her more than I talk to anyone else.

"What did you do to the booze, Hickey? There's no life in it anymore."
Nothing's fun anymore. I don't mean that exactly as it sounds; I still find amusement from videos on the internet and I still giggle at Disgaea sometimes and I still generally have times where I'm enjoying myself... but it all feels like a facade. There's always that undercurrent of "Why am I happy?" and soon the fun fades away and I'm left... I dunno. Not depressed, not really depressed like I was three years ago, but... flat, maybe.

Last night I wrote a rant, like I used to do in high school when my dad and sister were pissing me off. I just sat down and typed whatever vile, angry thing came into my head, but it wasn't enough. Putting it on a file on a hard drive of a computer that only I ever use... it was pretty much the same as keeping it in. But there were things in there that I didn't want to say "in public", things that weren't mine to say to the world at large.
I posted the rant on an old forum, long dead, that nobody but me probably goes to anymore. I figured, hey, there's still a chance that other players come by to check out the board, reminisce about old times and whatnot. But it was still a copout. I wasn't really letting it out.

So here we are. It's not the rant, it's kind of detached and mellow, and it's not as personal... but maybe it will help me sleep to post this here.

I worry that some of this will offend the person I'm mostly talking about but... if she really doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, she wouldn't be reading this, would she?